A Real Family

This article was originally published here, on September 2, 2008 under the title, "Thinking About Adoption."

I am thinking about Pinnochio--the wooden puppet who wanted to be a "real" boy. My mind keeps returning to the phrase "a real boy," and wondering what makes "a real boy," a real boy? I'm not quite sure I know.   Recently, someone referred to adopted child's birth parents as the child's "real" parents.  This caused my mind to begin turning the phrase "real parents" over and over again.  There are some people who believe that a wooden puppet stands a better chance of becoming a real boy, than a family that adopts has of becoming a real family.

When a person refers to biological parents as the "real" parents of a child who was adopted, it reveals a fundamental misunderstanding about the true meaning of adoption. Questions like, "Don't you want any children of your own?", "Have you met the "real" parents?," and "Do you know anything about the 'real' family?", imply that parents who adopt children will not have a "real" family or become "real" parents.  What makes a "real" parent? Is it merely a biological connection that makes one a parent? Is it a set of skills one learns? Is it a disposition of nature or character? What makes a parent real? Can families that adopt children be a "real" family?

Anybody, such as a babysitter, can learn good child-rearing skills without actually becoming a parent. A person who loves animals may have a very nurturing nature, yet without children they are not parents. And many have produced biological offspring only to neglect or abandon them.  Are those the actions of a "real" parent?  If family was merely biological why would Jesus point to a relationship that is higher than biology (see Matt. 10:37 and Matt 12:48). I do not wish to oversimplify the issue, but these verses teach us biological relationships are not the only legitimate family relationships. Jesus' teaching make it clear that it is more important to be in God's family than to maintain biological connections.  Jesus united Jew and Gentile into one family making them one people.  Drawing from that principle, we can conclude that it is indeed possible for parents who adopt can enjoy the experience of being a "real" family.  Although they are not biologically connected, the are bound together by love.

What makes a person a real parent? In a word--love, but not the kind of sentimental drivel people put in greeting cards. Rather, it is the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8. It is the kind of love that willingly stays up with a sick child all night long; that willingly prays to the Lord on behalf of its child; that would willingly give its last drop of blood to save its child; that would willing braves the fires of hell to rescue its child; and that would willingly endure all these things without requiring anything in return. As the old saying goes, "Anyone can have a baby--it takes love to be a parent." 

I became a real father on June 25th, 2006 at 3:12 p.m.  That afternoon, I watched a young woman give birth to my first daughter, Ellie Grace, while my wife stood by her side coaching and comforting her. I had met and talked with Ellie's birth mother, but her birth father was unknown. Yet, if you ask me if I know her real parents, and I will tell you I know them intimately, because we are her real parents.  My second daughter, Sophia Hope, was born in Guatemala on July 3rd, 2007.  Her birth father is unknown, and I have only seen a picture of her birth mother. Yet, if you ask me if I know her real parents, and I will tell you I know them intimately, because we are her real parents.  I hold both of these young mothers in high esteem.  Both knew that they would not be able to care for their daughters, so in love, they gave them up for adoption.  It was a heroic act that placed the need of the child over the desire of the mother.  Because of these young women, we have two daughters: Ellie Grace, who has gone on to be with our heavenly Father, and Sophia Hope, who is now home with her real parents. Although we are not biologically related to our children, our family is not any less real.  And we plan to extend our real family by adopting more children in the future. 

We have been blessed to have you all by our sides.  I thank God for your love and your thoughtfulness. We know that we have not mourned alone, but have been lifted to God through your prayers and have been encouraged by your love. We also know that we do not rejoice alone, but that you rejoicing with us. May God bless you.