Don't Lose the Crown

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones" (Prov. 12:4, ESV).

The book of Proverbs ends by answering the question, "An excellent wife who can find?" (see Prov. 31:10-31). I find this to be an interesting fact due to the rather lengthy introduction (Prov. 1-9), which informs the readers that the books goal is to allow them "to know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice, and equity; to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth" (Prov. 1:2-4). The book fleshes out the practical implications of walking humbly with God in everyday life, so it is no surprise that relationships in general, and marriage, specifically, are addressed.

Heterosexual marriage was designed to be the normal pattern for humanity. Although, there have always been individuals that were destined for singleness, or celibacy. As Jesus responded to the statement that it is better not to marry, "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let one who is able to receive this receive it" (Matt. 19:10-12, ESV).

Paul, who was apparently a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom, said, "I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion" (1 Cor. 7:7-9). Paul's reason for advocating celibacy is simple: a person who is married cannot, in good conscience, devote all of their energy to the Lord (see 1 Cor. 7:32-35). However, Paul readily admits that not everyone can be celibate. It is better to be married (and practicing proper conjugal rights, see 1 Cor. 7:1-5), than to commit sexual immorality.

I say all of this for a purpose. While marriage is the norm, singleness is not abnormal. It is perfectly acceptable for a person who is single, and does not struggle with sexual desire, to remain single. However, those who struggle continually with sexual temptation are most likely not called to celibacy. But, they aren't called to make haste either.

Apart from faith in Christ, the choice of one's spouse is one of the most important decisions a person can make. The choice shouldn't be made on the outward appearances, because these will eventually fade. After all, "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion" (Prov. 11:22, ESV). The choice of one's spouse, especially for believers, should be based on pleasing the Lord. It is said, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22, ESV). Concerning the excellent wife Proverbs concludes, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30, ESV).

But what happens if a person chooses foolishly? Proverbs warns, "It is better to live a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife," (Prov. 21:9, 25:24); and "It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman," (Prov. 21:9); and "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike," (Prov. 27:15). But even more importantly, marrying the "wrong" person is sin. Paul warns against being "unequally yoked" with non-believers, a principle that most certainly applies to marriage (2 Cor. 6:14). Of course, this principle applies to those going into a situation, not those who are already in a situation. Paul clearly teaches that a believer who is already married to an unbeliever must stay so long as the unbeliever consents (see 1 Cor. 7:10-16).

A believer who is single should never go into a situation assuming that their non-believing companion will come to Christ, because they are dating. It is more likely that the believer will be drawn away from obedience, by the non-believer. And it goes deeper than asking the questions: "Do you believe in Jesus?" and "Where do you go to church?". We have to hold up their life to the light of Scripture and say, "This is what the Bible says a Christian should look like. Is this what I see in this person's life?" If a person answers, "no," to that question, then we need he or she needs to move on.

These things are easy for me to say, because I have been crowned with an excellent wife. She is loving and supportive. She believes in me and encourages me. She is my best friend and my lover. She is a wise counselor and good listener. She is beautiful both inside and out. We share a passion for the glory of the Lord.

I understand the dilemma that many singles face. Before I came to know Christ, the world's opinions of meaning shaped my life. I felt lonely and isolated. I wanted someone who could "complete" me. Something was better than nothing. Even as a new believer, these opinions drove me. I continued to feed my flesh, and allowed it to drive me in a relentless pursuit of "fulfillment."

As I grew in Christ, by studying his Word, I began to see that only Jesus could complete me. That gnawing, nagging, gaping hole of desire, could only be truly satisfied by Christ. My life could be radically different than it is had the Lord not changed my course. I do not mean that it has come without difficulty. The flesh is still flesh, even though a man resides within it. Everyday the battle rages. Everyday I have to crucify the flesh continually, and put death its desires. But, I have help. Both the Lord and the wife he has given me help me to carry on.

If you have a spouse who loves the Lord and loves you, be grateful. If you have a spouse that loves you, but doesn't love the Lord, be prayerful. If you don't have spouse, and you love the Lord, be careful. The decision you make will have a greater impact on you than you can imagine. With 700 wives and 300 concubines, Solomon knew a thing or two about marriage (although he didn't apparently know how to say, "no," to his desires). He offers Spirit-inspired warnings against foolish relationships. Life is too important, and too short, to spend it with the wrong person.