Seasons of Grief

 This article was originally published here, on November 25, 2008.

 "Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda" (Prov. 25:20, ESV).

What does this proverb mean? What is Solomon trying to tell us? More importantly, what is the Holy Spirit telling us?

It appears that there is a conspiracy to minimize grief. Stand in line at a funeral home and it won’t be long before you hear someone say, "God has a plan in this," or "God is in control" or "Eventually it will get better" or some other well-worn, good intentioned cliché. From experience, I can say, that walking through the line and greeting the family is always difficult for me. I want to comfort them. I hate that they hurt. I am made uncomfortable by their discomfort and I am afraid I may cry (this fear is a vestige left over from my life before Christ that seems almost impossible to shake). I often say the only thing that will come out, "We are so sorry for your loss. We’ll be praying for you all." I want to escape this discomfort, and experience has taught me I am not alone.

Grief is a solemn reminder that all is not well in our world. Death is not natural, even though it currently operates within the natural order. Humanity was intended for more. Grief seemingly functions like a person coming and going freely in the lives of those it has stricken. For some, grief is a nearly constant companion; although, never a positive one. For others, grief is more like an unwelcomed house guest rushed away at the first opportunity. Is all grief bad? I mean bad in a moral sense. Is grief sin?

Speaking of Jesus, Isaiah prophesied that he was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isa 53:3, ESV). During his final hours Jesus told his disciples, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death" (Matt 26:38, ESV). These passages demonstrate that grief is not, in and of itself, sinful. Jesus never sinned, but he did know grief. Therefore, since grief is not bad in a moral sense, we need to avoid minimizing it. Grief is a powerful means appointed by God to bring about some greater end. Or it may be better to say that God has order circumstances in such a way that he can bring about good from even the worse situation (i.e., the cross).

The experience of grief is like coming to a crossroads in life. As Yogi Berra allegedly said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Grief presents us with two distinct alternatives. It will either drive us to God, who alone is sufficient to help us, or it will drive us away from God in search of something else--something that will ultimately leave us worse off than when we started. Some may be inclined to argue that there must be other alternatives. However, Jesus strips us of such arguments when he states, "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters" (Matt 12:30, ESV). Exodus 20:2-3 remind us that there is but one God, he alone must be served.

It is important to understand the positive role suffering plays in the life of a believer. Paul states, "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Rom. 5:3-5, ESV; see also James 1:2-4, 2 Pet. 1:3-11). Paul also states that God comforts us "so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Cor. 1:4, see 2 Cor. 1:3-11). Thus, the Scriptures teach us that grief (suffering or affliction) is used by God to shape our character and faith, as well as, to equip us to minister to others who grieve. Therefore, any attempt to minimize grief short circuits the process.

Grief, and the emotions that come with it, create within the griever a vacuum. It leaves them searching for something to anesthetize their pain, to rescue them from their situation, and to help them carry on. This response is natural and is often used by God to draw his people to him (see 1 Sam. 1:10; 2 Sam. 22:7; Neh. 9:27; Pss. 4:1, 6:7, 13:2, 18:6, 25:17, 31:7, 9, 55:4, 81:7, 106:44, 107:6, 13, 19, 28, 118:5, 120:1; Isa. 26:16). 2 Chronicles 15:4 states, "but when in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and sought him, he was found by them" (ESV). In essence, grief has the power to be a good thing, if it draws us closer to God. If in our grief we are sent scrambling for God, then we will find in him our all-in-all.

This truth brings us back to Solomon’s words, "Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda" (Prov. 25:20, ESV). The Spirit is saying through Solomon that the wise know that there is a time for grieving (see Eccl. 3:1-8). It is cruel and aggravating to stop the grieving process short of its goal. There is a place for encouragement, but sometimes we need to just mourn with the mourners. Ask questions, seek understanding, listen attentively, and when appropriate, gently point them to God. Don’t feel the need to correct them for expressing their grief. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but if necessary, gently remind them of God’s grace and his love for them. Don’t talk about you and your experience too much. If you are moved to tears, let them flow. Allow their pain to affect you, and ask God to use you as an agent of comfort.

Wisdom instructs us to distinguish between those who are grieving in a healthy manner and those who are grieving in an unhealthy manner.  Bitterness and apathy are often signs of unhealthy grief. These people have become stuck in grief like a boot in thick mud. Some people wallow in grief allowing the loss to define them. Others consciously deny grief while being slowly eroded away by feelings of despair. As believers, these options are not open for us. We know that we are not to grieve like those who have no hope (1 Thes. 4:13). We know that the things we suffer are not worthy to compare to the glory we will receive (Rom. 8:18; 2 Cor 4:17-18). And we know that the Lord will remove our sorrow (Isa. 51:11; Jer. 31:13, 25; Rev. 21:1-4). Until our final foe, Death, is cast into the lake of fire, we will continue to mourn. However, we must always remember that God is willing and able to comfort us. The next time you are in line at the funeral home; don’t worry about what to say. Instead, pray that God will grant the grieving the wisdom to draw close to him. Pray that he will comfort them as only he can. Pray that at this crossroads of life they choose to run to Jesus. Then when it is your turn, let them know that you love them and are praying for them.