Weary, Stupid, and Foolish

I'm still making my monthly pilgrimage through Proverbs one chapter a day (except the months that don't have 31 days, then I read the remaining chapters on the last day of the month).  Although I have read it at least 28 times in the 2+ years I have been meditating through the book, it still amazes me how much I relate to Proverbs 30:1-4.  Agur states,

The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out.  Surely I am to stupid to be a man.  I have not the understanding of a man.  I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One (Prov. 30:1b-3).

There are times in my life that I look at the struggles I am going through, and I wonder if anything has changed.  I am weary of failure.  I am weary of the status quo.  I am weary of sin making itself comfortable in this house that belongs to the Lord.  I am weary of my own stupidity when I find myself so quickly deceived by sin.

At times, I wonder if I have knowledge of the Holy One.  My heart seems so wicked.  It feels so prone to sin (particularly pride and selfishness).  Yet, God in his grace reminds me of how dark my heart used to be, of how dark it could still be were he not restraining me, and of how light it will be once Christ returns for his own.

As to my lack of wisdom, I cry out: "O Lord, who give generously to all who ask, teach my heart to walk in wisdom that I might honor you" (see James 1:5).  The darkness and dullness I perceive are not false, but they are not permanent either.  Although I have yet to experience its fullness, the righteousness of God rests on me, because I rest in Christ. 

I imagine, if I continue reading through Proverbs daily, that five years from now on some 30th of the month, I will read these words and completely relate to them.  I will still feel weary.  I will still feel to stupid to be a man.  I will still wonder what's wrong with me.  But even as I imagine that I know I will be a different person, because God, through the indwelling Holy Spirit, is still continuing to work in me. 

I know these things, because I can see the changes that have occurred in my heart and life in the last five years.  When I compare who I was 15 years ago, with the man I have become I see great changes.  But they aren't changes I have made, and most of them didn't happen over night.  These changes occurred as the Spirit applied God's Word to my heart and life.

I have been slow in adapting to the changes he has sought to bring about in my heart.  I have hindered and grieved him at many points.  I have been driven to repentance countless times, I have been cleansed of all unrighteousness, and I have been forgiven for the sake of Christ's blood.  When I am weary, I pray resting in the confidence that the Spirit will labor tirelessly to bring about God's will and purpose in my life.  When I see my need for wisdom, I pray for God to give me wisdom.  When I feel stupid, I ask God to enlighten my mind with his Word.

I'm pray for you readers, as I am reflecting on what I am writing.  I hope you can't relate to this passage, but my experience suggest that you can.  Maybe you are weary. Maybe you feel stupid for giving into sin yet again.  Maybe you feel foolish and undone.  Hang in there.  Even as we read Proverbs 30:1-4, we must remember that even as Agur says these things, he is saying them to the One he knows, knows all things.  Even as he despairs at his own lack of knowledge, he rests in the reality that God cares enough to hear him even if he is weary, stupid, and foolish.