I Yearn for More

We didn't have to pass through security checkpoints today.  There were no mad dashes through airports.  We weren't afraid we would miss our flight, and have to find another one, because Homeland Security was backed up.  And I didn't get have refried black beans and fried bananas with my breakfast this morning.  No, January 9th, 2010 wasn't much like January 9th, 2009.

Today, we moved at an easier pace.  We enjoyed each others company.  We played a little.  We watched a little t.v.  We even went out and played in the snow for a while today.  Things that we anticipated and longed for have now faded into routine.  Time has whirled passed us, and a year is gone.  Sophia is home, and at home.

She has taken ownership of her surroundings, and of us.  Everything is hers.  When she sees our house, she blurts out, "My house!"  The car, the t.v., the cat, all belong to her.  She has filled up our space with such vibrancy and excitement.  She is an explosion of life and joy.  At times it seems that only mere moments have passed, and then at other moments it feels as if thousands of years bloom out of each second.

The toddler that I had to stoop when assisting her walk, now runs around unaided.  The days of quite contemplation and one word phrases have been replaced with, "Come on, Daddy. Chase you me!"  There is no more bilingual begging to discern what she wants or needs.  She just tells us now.  She says things like, "Stallberwy Millk," and "Play wit me."  So much has changed in the last year.

I have changed in the last year.  Each day I learn a bit more about my capacities toward selfishness and toward love.  I doubt that I would have been able to see the depth of my own selfishness apart from having children.  Children truly need in a way that adults do not.  To rise to the occasion, and meet that need a parent must examine their priorities.  Once selfishness is exposed, there is only two routes one can take.  One can either combat selfishness, and put the needs of others first.  Or they could embrace the selfishness.

A person who rejects selfishness, grows in love.  Some days I feel like the post-Christmas Grinch with my heart growing by three sizes. Other days it feels like my heart shrinks by six sizes.  But the presence of children has to potential to stretch people.  It has the ability to make them stronger, better, more loving, and more caring.  It can also make them snap, especially when they aren't pliable enough.  It can make them weaker, bitter, more hateful, and more selfish.  Children aren't a cure-all.  They are a catalyst.  Children are agents of change, constant and perpetual change.  They force parents to react or respond, adapt or decline.

So it is no wonder that Sophia's presence has brought about change.  The question is, "Will I rise to the challenge?"  Will I respond to her presence, and be transformed into a better person?  O Lord, I hope so.  I find myself checking my motives more and more.  I question the impact my actions and attitudes will have on her heart.  I desire to be the man God would have me to be.  Since he has blessed me with Sophia, I can only assume that fatherhood is part of his plan for shaping me.  So as I seek to shape Sophia's heart, the Lord is shaping mine.  Although we are home, I know our journey hasn't come to its end, because life is a journey, not a destination.  I hope the year (and years) ahead permits me the opportunity to grow with my daughter.  I hope more children will not be far off.  Having drank deeply of the Lord's grace, I yearn for more.