Preoccupied

Have you ever found yourself not wanting to think? Have you ever wished your brain could just stop the wheels of thought long enough for you to catch your emotional breath? I admit there are times I don't want to think. I have tried for the last several week not to think about how long it will be until Sophia comes home. As the days stretch into weeks and August crawled into November another day approaches. It is a day that stays at the back of my mind, lingering around like some inconsiderate guest who doesn't realize the party is over and it is time to go home. That day lingers there unwelcomed and, in reality, uninvited. It is the day of Ellie's death. This coming Monday will mark the 2nd anniversary of her going home. It is a day that I will never forget, no matter how hard I try. The irony is that it feels like I have to struggle to remember much of the days we had with her.

I am a man caught between straining forward and looking back. The hope of celebrating Sophia's homecoming does not eradicate the grief of Ellie's homegoing. Sometimes the grief is tangible like a blanket or a weight. It is not a burden I bear alone, but it is one I seldom talk about, yet never stop thinking about. I miss my daughters. I know that I will see them both again; Sophia in a few weeks and Ellie when I get to heaven, but that reality only makes the pain bearable. However, I continue to rely on the Lord; I know that he is with me and that he will sustain me.

But, I find myself trying to stop the thinking. I'll watch some tv or a movie. I'll read a book. I'll daydream from time to time. These things however do not help. They only prolong the inevitable. I am trying to find a better way--a way that doesn't seek to empty my mind, but fill it. I meditate on God's character and nature. I think about the Scriptures a lot. I desire to start memorizing Scripture again. As Christ's servant I want to be fruitful and effective. I want these experiences to help grow closer to the Lord. We can't bear fruit if we are always trying to escape. Fruitfulness comes from hard work and perseverance. We must, however, strike the right balance as Paul reminds us, ". . . work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work in his good pleasure" (Phil 2:12-13, ESV). As we abide in the Lord, he brings fruit to bear in our life (John 15). Sometimes the sweetest fruit comes from the darkest circumstances.

Again Paul states, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Phil 4:8). When the burdens that wear you down tempt you to empty your mind, give them over to the Lord and rest in him. Begin filling your mind with his Word, and allow the knowledge of his presence to fill your heart. He cares for you, and he is with you.