"Is it I?"

Something I read in John's Gospel has disturbed me. In chapter 13, John is recounting the events of the night that Jesus was betrayed. He states, "After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, on of you will betray me.' The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke'"(John 13:21-22, ESV). My mind jumped to another passage that states, "They began to be sorrowful and say to him one after another, 'Is it I?'" (Mark 14:9, ESV).

The main reason this passage disturbed me is because it demonstrates the deceptiveness of the human heart. These men had seen all the miracles Jesus' had performed and had received special tutoring from Jesus on the meaning of his teachings, yet these men were not sure if they would betray Jesus. "Is it I?" How could they not know if they were going to betray the Lord? This moment, brief as it was, was probably the most humble moment the disciples ever had while walking with Jesus. In this moment the veil was drawn back a bit, revealing the true nature of their hearts. For one short moment they got it. They saw in themselves their sin and rebellion, their self-pity and pride, their foolishness and pettiness, and they were uncertain where their loyalty lie. They knew in that moment that they could betray the Son of God, but hoped desperately that they would not. And were it not for the grace of God we, too, might betray our blessed Savior.

I think this is what Paul meant when he said that we should be careful when we think we are standing so that we do not fall (1 Cor. 10:12). Our hearts are prone to wander. We are like straying sheep. For this reason the Scripture calls us to continual watchfulness. Peter states it well, "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Pet 5:8, ESV; see also, Mark 13:33-37; Luke 12:37-38, 21:36; Acts 20:31; 1 Cor 16:13; Eph 6:18; Col 4:2; 1 Thes 5:6; and Rev 16:15). Friends continue to be vigilant. Keep your eyes on the Lord for he alone is able to keep you from falling (Jude 1:24-25).
This passage also reminds me that I am thankful for a Great Shepherd who seeks the lost sheep and who brings the straying lambs back to safety.