The Trouble with Unfulfilled Desire

"What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you? You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:1-2, HCSB).

James's questions penetrate deep into the heart. I have often asked myself in the midst of a fit, why I was so angry? Ninety percent of the time, maybe 99% of the time, my anger is rooted in a perception of slight. In those moments, it feels as if someone has denied my something I obviously deserved. But in reality, I realize that other people have wants and desires.

On an intellectual level, I comprehend that their wants and desires are as important to them as my desires are to me, and that they are probably as deserving of receiving what they desire as I am. Yet on an emotional level, I don't always feel like they deserve it as much as I do. They (probably) haven't worked as hard as I have.

When you combine the frustration that comes with an unmet desire with a deeply embedded emotional response, you get a fight. Maybe it is a fight with words thrown like hand grenades that rip through the flesh into the soul. Maybe you fight with silence and ice.  Maybe your fight is really a fight.

But why are we angry in the first place? Because we didn't get what we wanted. We would do well to remind ourselves that its okay to not get everything we ever wanted. We need to ask our own set of penetrating questions. Is it worth this kind of hostility? Have I put to much emphasis on the wrong thing? Will I still want it after I get it?

Think of something you didn't get, and were angry over. Are you still angry about it? Or have you discovered it was actually better not to have it?

To Forgive, or Not to Forgive

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/flikr/45457114/in/photostream/

Sometimes I feel like an onion--all wrapped up in layers.  It's kind of like when Shrek tries to explain life as an ogre to Donkey. Ogres have layers; onions have layers.  People have layers, too (and so does cake).

Have you ever been in a situation where it feels like all your layers have been pulled back, and you have nothing left to offer?  Maybe you have had all of the more pleasant layers pulled back and all that is left is the anger layer?  You feel tense.  Your ready for a fight.  You can just see a certain person, and your blood pressure starts to rocket.  Does that sound like your experience?

If you find yourself peeled back to the anger layer, you are serious trouble.  It means that you a flirting with unforgiveness.  Actually, it is more than flirting, you're, most likely, married to it.  The grudge you are nursing against that particular individual or group or place delights you in some way.  As you nurture your anger, it deceives you into believing that you are empowered by it.

But the person most injured by your anger is not the other person.  It's you.  Once, I passed a sign that read, "Being angry with someone else is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die."  I believed it then, and I still believe it.  However, that doesn't mean I always practice it.

My default mode, when wounded, is to retreat to anger.  If a person hurts me emotionally or otherwise (intentionally or unintentionally), I get mad.  In fact, when I get physically injured, my first reaction is usually anger.  I'm hardwired that way I guess.  Although, I am not trying to excuse it.  Harboring anger in our hearts is a dangerous thing.  Anger kills.  Haven't you ever heard of a crime of passion?

When I am not careful, I find myself nursing anger in my heart.  The wound doesn't have to be life threating to trigger my anger.  It can be a real or perceived slight.  I don't want to come off sounding like a hothead.  I can take a lot before I reach my boiling point, but when I do it is hard for me to simmer down.

James warns, "the anger of man does not produce the righteousness God requires" (James 1:20).  Instead we are to cultivate meekness.  We should be gentle of heart.  As believers in Christ, we are the recipients  of tremendous grace.  We are freely forgiven of our treason against God, and adopted into his family.  We are all sinners in need of grace.  We all acted in terrible ways toward our holy and merciful God, yet, in love, he offered us peace and fellowship.

In light of this reality, we should seek to extend the same courtesy to those who have offended us.  We should meet their hurtful ways with loving concern.  We should offer them forgiveness, free and without condition.  We should extend to them grace.  You might say, "Wait a minute.  They don't deserve my forgiveness!"  To which, I would respond, "Duh. That is why we call it 'grace.'"  Grace cannot be earned.

When we fail to forgive it reflects a heart that does not understand grace.  Most often, a heart does not understand grace, because it believes itself to have sufficient merit to earn God's favor.  The owner of an unforgiving heart is the slave of a proud heart.

More importantly, when we fail to forgive we come under God's judgment.  Jesus warns, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6:14-15).  You may be saying, "But wait, isn't that works salvation?".  It might sound that way, if we take it out of it's context.  This quote comes from Matthew 5-7, often called the Sermon on the Mount.  The sermon instructs those who follow Jesus to start off by acknowledging their spiritual poverty.  They must realize that they have no righteousness of their own; they must trust God to provide it.

As recipients of God's grace, they should be quick to dispense grace.  Who can swim in the sea of forgiveness, and begrudge someone else such joy?  Only those who have never truly experienced the liberating joy of forgiveness can continually refuse to extend forgiveness to others.  This is the truth Jesus is trying to communicate with his warning.  To be forgiven is to be forgiving; to be unforgiving is to be unforgiven.

What do we do when we find ourselves unwilling to forgive?

• We need to assess the state of our heart.  Have we turned from our sin, to the living God, through Jesus Christ? If no, we need to repent and place our faith in Christ, and then ask him for the strength to forgive.  If yes, then we need to repent of our hardheartedness.  

• We need to mediate on the grace that saves us.  God was super-abundantly gracious toward us.  We have to spend time (lots of time) carefully thinking about God's grace, as revealed in Jesus.  

• We have to remind ourselves (repeatedly) that we are sinners who wound others.  By walking in their shoes, we help to prevent our heart from growing prideful.

• We need to do things to show them we love them even when we don't "feel" like it.  The kind of love that pleases God is not primarily an emotion.  It is action oriented.  Show kindness to your (former) "enemies."  When you do, you're imitating God.

If we will honor the Lord in this way, we can be sure that the Spirit is going to peel back the anger layer, and reveal a tender, merciful layer.  That's the Jesus layer.  Has the Jesus layer been revealed in you, yet?  What are some of the ways you overcome unforgivenness?

A Bad Experience?

I recently had a bad customer service that left me a little hot under the collar. I hopefully obeyed the command, "Be angry and sin not." I was (am still a little) anger. I feel kind of mislead. But this post isn't a rant about what they did wrong. It's about something that popped into my head while I was thinking about my experience. I couldn't help wondering, "What if people are leaving our church thinking they have been misled?"

Some people get mad at church, because they are offended by the gospel. They are sinners who love their sin, and they don't like the conviction that comes from being confronted by the gospel. Jesus said that people who reject him, the light of the world, do so because they love the darkness. We can't do much for these individuals, except to pray. We need to pray that God would open their eyes and work faith in their heart.

But some have legitimate complaints. They have been promised a simple fix to life by trusting in Jesus. No one told them about the tribulation and persecution they would face. No one informed them about the demands of the gospel: holiness, faithfulness, and obedience. Others were told that church is the family of God, but they have been treated like the black sheep. They are permitted into membership, but they don't really belong. Others have been brought out of the darkness, and are confused by the church members who still revel in the things of the world.

Are we doing enough to ensure we haven't unnecessarily offend people? Do we tell them the truth in love? Are we faithfully loving them to the Lord? Are we presenting the true and complete gospel message or are we offering them a watered down message? We cannot take the sting out of the gospel, but can make it more attractive by living it. We need to show the love of Christ to others, esteeming them better than ourselves. We need to understand, and make sure they understand, in Christ, we are truly family. If people walk away from a church because they reject the gospel, it isn't in our power to change it. If they walk away from church because they have never heard the gospel, or were promised one thing only to receive another, or because the church isn't walking in the light, it is sin, on our part. We need to live what we proclaim, and do so in love with tenderness and compassion.